A couple of months ago, I was at the Saturday Farmer’s Market with my family and some friends when we ran into some acquaintances we hadn’t seen in several years. They were there with some new friends who had just moved to Portland a few months earlier. It turned out they barely knew each other and were connected through a loose network of relatives and friends. As I was introduced to these Portland newcomers, one thought kept running through my head:
Am I going to see these people again?
It wasn’t that I didn’t enjoy the conversation or that I wanted to leave. Part of me wanted to play the host, welcoming them to Portland and offering to be a friend as they settled into a new city. But another part of me - the realist - knew we were unlikely to become real friends. As in, what would be the end goal? We meet once or twice over the next year, then slowly drift apart before ever truly connecting? I have joked that when it comes to friends, “I’m full.” I have a solid group of friends and I don’t have the time or bandwidth necessary to invest in more.
So as our conversation wound down that Saturday morning, I thought about offering to exchange numbers but I couldn’t bring myself to do it. ‘This isn’t likely to go anywhere, so why bother with pretenses?’ I reasoned. Best to just set expectations at, “Nice to meet you. See you around sometime.”
There are many ways to slice the world, but one that I frequently think about is through the lens of abundance versus scarcity. As in there is a scarcity mindset way of viewing the world and there is an abundance mindset way of viewing the world. Neither is inherently the right way to view the world or the wrong way. The world is both and they must live in a sort of yin and yang, balancing each other out.
To clarify this dichotomy:
A scarcity mindset’s predominant belief is that there isn’t enough to go around. There is a certain zero-sum quality to how things are. If you get an apple, that’s one less apple for me. Of I spend an hour doing chores, it’s an hour lost to relaxing on the couch. One person’s new job or promotion feels like a missed opportunity for someone else.
In contrast, an abundance mindset believes that there is plenty to share. Your opportunities don’t diminish mine. An extra dollar for you doesn’t come at my expense. It doesn’t mean that we all get equal of everything, but just that everyone can thrive collectively.
When I met these new Portlanders, I was operating from a scarcity mindset. My time felt finite, and my plate was full. There was no room for another person or another obligation to take up any space.
And here I should also mention that I am not trying to prescribe how others should live, I am merely reporting my own internal struggle.
Because it made me sad. Walking away from that introduction, I couldn’t help but lament the person I seemed to have become. Five-years-ago Wesley, ten-years-ago Wesley - he would have exchanged numbers and offered to meet up again. It isn’t to say we would definitely become great friends, but I was at least willing to give it a chance - to believe my plate still had more space for another relationship.
And with the recent election pushing me towards broader reflection, I can’t help but feel sad about how it seems the whole country has swung towards a scarcity mindset. People are hurting and worried which is real and raw, but it has forced us to look out for ourselves.
The country is full. One more person living here means less for me.
My finances are in shambles. I need more money, no matter the consequences for other people.
I am losing my place. Another groups rise feels like my group’s decline.
Power must be hoarded. Any power for someone else is less for me.
My way of living is under attack. There is no room for others’ differing viewpoints.
Again, a scarcity mindset is not inherently wrong. It can be practical and even wise at times to view things this way. But when the balance tips too far or when scarcity becomes our default lens, something important is lost.
I want to lead with abundance, to believe in a world that is big, and generous and has enough for everybody. These are values I want to teach my kid(s), and I hope this is how Ian’s little brain will eventually see the world - even if for now the concept of sharing remains difficult.
It is hard though. It’s one thing to say I want to embody abundance, but quite another to do so in the cultural river we all live in. The momentum seems to be flowing in one direction and it’s extra effort and at times a little lonely to consciously turn upstream.
A few weeks ago, as we were finishing lunch at one of our favorite restaurants, Grace noticed some familiar faces walking in.
“Is that the family from the farmer’s market?”
I turned to look. It was. After several weeks ruminating about our first meeting, this was a chance at a do-over. It was a chance to see if my plate really could be any bigger, a chance to reframe in abundance rather than scarcity. As we got ready to leave, I went over to say hi.
“Hey!” I said, as we both smiled in recognition, “You guys were at the Farmer’s Market a few weeks ago, right?”
